Worlds I’ve Traveled To

I have traversed many worlds. Here is what I mean. At this point in my life, I don’t know what is real and true and what is not, except for a couple of things.

  • I exist here in this place and time, this current world.
  • I got married at some point and had children.
  • That family was broken somehow.
  • God is with me, still.

I find myself hoping that the world in which I live would end, soon. I don’t like it here. I very rarely enjoy anything or anyone. Is it me? I don’t really know. I think most people would say to me, “you just need to change your outlook on life. Stop being so negative.” I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can just change your mind and be different. It has never worked that way for me.

I thought getting married would be one of the best experiences of life. It turns out it was one of the hardest things I ever tried to do. As miserable as it was, I got very angry when it ended.

I felt like I had been transported to another world. I kept hoping I would wake up one day and everything would be back to normal, but it never happened. Instead, I had to get used to the world I was now in.

Subsequent Worlds traveled

I have been transported a couple of times now, to different worlds. Each time I find it harder to be happy than the previous world. In my current world, like the last one, I find myself alone most of the time. In this world though, I can’t call my mom. Some of my friends have gone on to other worlds. Some remain here, suffering.

I don’t understand the process. I have never been that smart. Perhaps I never will be.

Religion has played large rolls of most of the worlds I’ve lived in. It is not a large part of this one. Oh, I hear lots of religious stuff. I’m just not listening. There are too many conflicting beliefs and interpretations and predictions that are not true. I am quite tired of religion. I’ve had enough.

God is here in this world; Jesus, His Father, just like they were in the previous worlds. Through their Spirit, I am together with them. They stay with me through my sadness. They haven’t taken away my sadness. I don’t know why, but at least they are here, and that is comforting. Maybe they will take is away one day. Maybe it’s me, holding on to it. I don’t know.

My kids are in this world, though I don’t see them every day. Sometimes I don’t feel needed by them. But then, they don’t know what or who they need. They don’t ask my advice about anything. Sometimes I give it anyway. I am their dad after all. Sometimes I impose my will on them, for their own good. I am competing against a million other influences in their lives, but I have to try. I brought them into a very dark world, and it gets darker by the minute. My desire is to get them out alive. Sometimes, most of the time, I don’t know how.

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