I am not enjoying life. I’m just not. I’m just going through the motions. I work. I sleep. Then repeat. I am no good at relationships. I don’t have any friends. I had a girlfriend. Now I don’t. I somehow made her feel unwanted, I think. I know I did. Perhaps it was the physical distance between us. It has happened in every relationship I have ever had.
Also, we had substantial differences in political and social opinion. There was President Trump, COVID-19, the presidential election. I probably made her feel something. And it probably was not good. I don’t think it would do any good to apologize. I know I made her feel like I was no longer interested in the relationship. I can’t undo that.
I feel horrible about it. I think we can salvage our friendship, but it won’t ever be the same. As far as any future romances, I don’t think I will ever try again. I’m too afraid.
My life, in general, is a massive disappointment to me. I had wanted to be a professional musician since I was a kid. I was enjoying being a musician in the Navy. However, being married and being a musician can be pretty tricky. They both require lots of time. I was really trying, but it was not working. I eventually started letting the music suffer by not practicing as much as I needed to. Then she just quit! It took the wind out of me. I no longer had the drive. By the time I got out of the Navy, I was no longer a Pro.
I retired from the Navy in 2007. I played maybe three gigs in the first year I was out. Not practicing, however, I was not very good. I lost interest in trying anymore. I didn’t even own a proper instrument. I didn’t get a decent saxophone until 2017. Now I have been practicing off and on for a few years. Not like I should, though. Mostly weekends. It is not enough. Oddly enough, I had just started to really get into it and practicing a lot more when things ended with my last girlfriend. Is there a correlation?
Well, at this point, I have bills to pay. So working is a must. I am not good enough on the sax to get paying gigs yet. At least, I don’t think I am. So earning money is non-musical.
I have nothing else in my life. So, I’m going to make as much music as possible until I can maybe get paid for it. I don’t know how long it will take. Maybe it will never happen. Nothing and no one will get in the way of me trying.
Life? I have not enjoyed much of this 58-year experience. I would not volunteer to do it again.