I woke up this morning feeling sad. I guess there are lots of things that contribute to that. My mom passed away in 2013. I have experienced what seems to be failure upon failure. And my deepest and most haunting of failures are relationships that are most important to me.
Those relationships are not gone. They have just changed in subtle ways that I had not noticed until now. It is stunning to realize a son or daughter, deep down doesn’t trust you. It is horrifying to know when someone you love is struggling and they don’t trust you enough to come to you for help.
As I’ve stated in another post, relationships are most important to me. Nothing else matters in this life as far as I’m concerned. In this life I have not been successful in career or marriage, nor the afterlife of either. But I have always cherished the relationship between my kids and I.
I understand. They have their struggles as young adults. They have to find their own way. I certainly did when I was their ages. There were things I didn’t go to my parents about. Maybe at times I wanted to and felt that I could not. Sometimes I was afraid I would disappoint my mom. Maybe it is the same with my kids.
I now wonder if I made my parents feel as though I had shut them out. It certainly was not my intention. I loved them very much. I would say that I trusted them, even though there were very difficult things I went through and chose to keep them to myself.
Did my parents see that I was struggling? Did they feel as helpless as I do now? I would like to think I spared my them of the tension and struggles I feel today. And at the same time, I know I didn’t.
This life has its own difficulties built in. I wish I could do better, be better, be there for others better. I wish I was more trustworthy to those I believe count on me.
And what about the Lord? Now that I know, or am getting to know, the extent to which he is willing to go in order to, “be there for us..” well, there is comfort in knowing such a thing. He has chosen to dwell with me. And he goes through these issues right along with me.
If you have read this far, you have just witnessed the Lord lifting my sadness and encouraging me. When I woke up I was truly discouraged. In the 35-40 minutes it has taken to think about and put down my thoughts in written form, the Spirit of the Lord has had the chance to help me see from my parent’s point of view, my children’s point of view, and the Lord’s.
I know. That was odd, but, He is my life after all. And I guess I can go on with my day now.